Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
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Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
No laws when master is gone
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
🔦🌙👣
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.