The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
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Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.