I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
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There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Feels
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.