I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
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Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
😩😩😩
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
6: are snakes just neck?
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
I wanna be friends with this person
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there