No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
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For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Self-cleaning conscience
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
They’re on their honeymoon
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to