I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
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Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.