I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
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How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.