I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
You Might Also Like
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
This took me a second..
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
I put the h in mysterious.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.