[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
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A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.