What kind of a cult is this?
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Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us