I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
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me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.