mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
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Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
I know karate and tons of other words.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Every BBC series about the universe.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Best misinterpreted text ever!
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
opening twitter today
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?