18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
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6. me as a lawyer
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
asking santa clause for nudes
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*