My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
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Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
wtf management?!
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable