coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
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True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me: