Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
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I’m dying louder than usual today.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
pictures of spider-man
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter