Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
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My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me