I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
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Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
(True)
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*