I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
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guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
had to make it
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.