Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
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how to have an accident 101
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play