Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
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Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.