Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
You Might Also Like
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
opening a flower shop called women in stem
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!