I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
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*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Oh the world we live in…
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.