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Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
That time Alicia messaged me
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)