Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
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Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.