law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
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You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship