Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
You Might Also Like
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating