If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
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me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley