I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
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My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
How times have changed.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
describing stardew valley
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.