maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
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[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.