My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
You Might Also Like
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.