I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
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Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.