Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
You Might Also Like
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.