Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
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Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
*offers Batman cough drops*
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
lmfao come on
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager