Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
You Might Also Like
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
craving $300 all of a sudden
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.