Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
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I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.