Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
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Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Tastes like chicken.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Message from the dog groomers
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.