*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
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I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground