I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
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watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
yall want some gasoline milk
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
seems like a niche market
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]