It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
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If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
We’ve come full circle
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.