Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
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My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Me trying to look natural in photos
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang