My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
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Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.