My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
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Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
My dog learned how to text
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff