Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
You Might Also Like
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.