Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
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“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.