LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
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we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
#dnd #ttrpg
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later: