I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
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Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”