I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
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3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.