Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
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Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY