Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
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I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators